A touch of Humanity

A lot of times in college I get caught up with ME ME ME & oh, me.

Quite frankly, I'm sick of it. I hate when I become this way.  I want to serve, but I often run into the questions of how, when, what type of commitment will it be, will I be able to get schoolwork done? Will my grades suffer because of it? Can I still perform my job? Can I put this on my resume?

I'm so, so sick of it all. And/or, I wish I was superwoman who could perform all of these things awesomely while still making people's lives better around her.

This summer, I witnessed something that will never leave me. I was heading towards my car in the parking lot after a routine blood draw at the doctor's. In the parking lot was a woman, sitting with her knees together flat on the ground, legs splayed beneath her on the asphalt. She was clutching her stomach like it was the only thing keeping her alive, and crying hysterically. I couldn't really process what was happening, and I didn't know what to do--many people were already going to her aid, and we were in the parking lot of a doctor's office. A woman was on the phone with 911, and I overheard part of the conversation before I started once again heading for my car. "There's a woman here, and she thinks she's having a miscarriage. She's in a lot of pain. We're in the parking lot of..."  While I'm sure there was a lot of physical pain involved, it wasn't that that made me leave. I could hear, through her hysteria, the pain of a woman losing her child. I don't think I could have held it together had I stayed. In fact, as soon as I was in the car I lost it, and drove home crying.

Sometimes I regret leaving, but then I think she wouldn't have wanted all these people gawking anyway. But mostly I wish I'd stayed and done something. I often run through the scenarios. Would I have been on the fringes still, not knowing what to do? Would I have had my knees on the asphalt next to her, comforting? Could I have been in action, giving orders, telling people to run and get a doctor from the office? I've taken the courses. I'm certified in CPR and First Aid. And yet I felt inadequate. I felt young and inexperienced. I was uncomfortable, and humans are definitely not my element.

But I am grateful. It's a reminder; a reminder to do my best with what I've got, because it can always get worse. A reminder than the world doesn't revolve around me, and there are bigger things than papers and tests to worry about. A reminder that one day I'll be more like superwoman. A promise that one day, I won't be the one getting in the car and running away. It was a touch of humanity.

Cheated

I'm feeling a bit cheated nowadays. I work really hard, I promise. And I sorta want to be able to bring my kids back to BYU and show them all the places that I've done things, and how cool this building was, and all the nooks and crannies.

But the Widstoe will be torn down right after I graduate. Seriously almost as soon as I set foot outside the protective embrace of BYU's undergraduate-ness. Even if I take an extra year than I should. I spend my whole life in there. I've changed my frog lab more than anything. I have a legacy already! And it'll be gone.

And let's not even mention my freshman dorms. My parents both lived in Heritage. My sister lived in my exact dorm. My brother lived around there too. I leave the place, and they tear it down within a year. It's gone. A hole right now, really. Not that my freshman year in those dorms was really something to celebrate and pass on, but it was Heritage, IN my heritage! How cool is that?

My existence at BYU soon won't exist.

Also, not that this has any affect on my decisions thus far in life, but the new age for sister missionaries? I turned 21 on September 29th, 2012. Literally one week later, on October 6th, 2012, they changed the age for sister missionaries from 21 to 19. Then when I thought I'd have potentially a year at BYU with my 18 year old little brother, they changed the mission age for boys from 19 to 18. He could now leave before his freshman year of college.

It seems I am exactly the wrong age.