how much is too much?

honesty, my dear fellow bloggers.    how much is too much?

what would you like to read on this blog?  so far as me creating a journal of events, i haven't been quite so honest. if i had, you would have known about what i like to call, my deepest secrets. not that they're really rather deep, nor are they secret from those i talk to on a regular basis.  but what should i be telling the blogging world, really?

my fear is of being an annoying blogger. in fact, that's my fear in every day life. would you like to hear the angst of a teenager? the feelings of a hormonal-almost-twenty-year-old? lets face it, no one really wants to hear that. right?  for my part i'm inclined to stick almost exclusively to the stuff that makes one laugh. and/or rather large events in my life. recently, however,  that doesn't make for frequent blogging. but i've never been one to publicly address my personal feelings. its uncomfortable. and no one likes to be uncomfortable.

but, maybe i could do uncomfortable.  maybe.

i'm about to be DISNEYIFIED

***people (anna) suggest that it should be disney-fied instead of disney-i-fied but i disagree. its disneyified to me. your thoughts?**

i'm getting ready to be disneyified!!  disney is coming up in 25 days.  the countdown is starting now.  i'm packing up all my belongings out of the apartment that i've lived in for almost an entire year now, and i'm getting ready to go home, go camping, hang out with some friends, and then go to disneyworld for one of the coolest adventures of my life.  its almost time!!

Cinderella

i suppose its about time i wrote about Cinderella, the play that has been commandeering most (aka all) of my free time since June.

at first i was reluctant.

(mine and scott's phone conversation in may)
scott: "you should come audition for Cinderella with me."
me: "Cinderella?  as in, Rodgers and Hammerstein?"
scott: "yeah that one."
me: "when are auditions?"
scott: "last saturday."
me: "well thanks for the heads up.  looks like i can't audition."
scott: "you can come tonight. its callbacks but they are hearing a few auditions beforehand."
me: "i can't make decisions that fast! i need to research it, think about it, my sister is in europe and i can't ask her! and my parents--"
scott: "just come."
me: "okay."
(there were quite a few more protests, but you have humored me enough.)


even after i auditioned, i tried to quit.  after all, i had 8 credits during a spring semester, 5 of which required 3 hours spent per credit, and the other 3 were organic chemistry.  i didn't exactly have the time to fiddle around with a play.  but at that point in time, i was, well, a bit depressed. for awhile even, i just sat in my room watching netflix when i wasn't on campus. i was still in utah, my friends were not. i had new roommates (not awful by any means, but it wasn't my amber and i hadn't known them for the previous 8 months) anna was gone, there was a budding/failing romance, and i was taking ochem over.  it was definitely not my best time. but then the play happened.

and, although i had to drive for almost 40 minutes in the hot heat of desert summer, it made me happy. once i got to know diana, i knew there was no going back.  we were practically connected at the hip for the duration of the play.  we were even referred to as "counterparts."

our parts were, well, pigs. we ate during every scene we were in.  after a box of creampuffs a night, diana totaled them to be about 300 consumed in all..definitely not all by us, but we ate the majority. i'd say about 100 were given away, stolen, and/or shoved down the prince's throat. we probably ate about 9 loaves of french bread, 9 baybel cheeses, and various fruits along with that--and that was only what was eaten on stage.  we got the most laughs out of the audience by far, except for maybe the stepsisters (who even then thought they needed to be funnier when they heard the audience laughing at us).

but really, it was the backstage show that was the icing on the cake. (which we also ate on stage.) during "do i love you" diana and i would be half dressed in the dressing room for our next scene when we would drop everything we were doing and sing once brenton (the prince) sang "I WANT YOU" during one part that we thought was ridiculous. we would sing it to each other and spin around in circles, dip, and possibly twirl a few times. then there was a lovely night, where we would be literally right behind the curtains dancing--diana and brenton take the cake on this. i'm so glad there is a video on facebook.

i guess what i loved the most though was selling wands with diana during intermission. not that i enjoyed the selling part, but the little girls that would run up to us and tell us we were so pretty in our ballgowns and how we looked like princesses. we would tell them that they were the ones who looked like princesses and they would just smile & giggle. it was adorable. one mom said it was even better than disneyland.

in all, it was really just wonderful.

Glue

i have, for awhile now, prided myself on being the "glue" of the family.
i probably shouldn't use the word 'prided' --rather, it makes me happy to see/do.
i'm the female middle child, which means i'm perfectly apt to be the family glue sticking everybody together.
here's the thing:
when i left home i thought i'd be so happy to get away from the house.  then i found myself extremely homesick with an awful roommate. then i wanted nothing more to be home, with my family.
so, with the miracle that is cell phones, i started my journey to becoming the Mattson Family Glue.

first, after having spent some time with the booths, i realized that when we hang up the phone we needed to end our conversations with "i love you" or "love you, bye."  i secretly implemented this in all my conversations with my family members.  they soon took the hint.  now we don't end a conversation without it. and its weird when we do. phase one: accomplished.

phase two:  i know my brother's password for his route Y account, so whenever we register for classes, i hack his account and look to see what classes he's signed up for.  then i sign up for one of the same ones.  eric & i usually have at least one class together a semester.

phase three: gmail and photoshop.  video chat on gmail is a dream come true--chatting it up with jenna and my lilykins (who yells at the computer for becca <3) is lovely when i can't be there with them. also: i become absolutely necessary for jenna, seeing as she only has photoshop elements and i have the real photoshop. which means i get to do her plentiful photoshop projects for her.

phase four: family history. i took a family history class last  semester and had a great time talking to my mom about it.  i also had the occasion to call my grandparents about it several times, therefore extending my reach as glue to another generation.  i really do love family history, too, and i love hearing any stories my grandparents have to offer.

phase five: facebook friends.  my cousins (all two of them) and my family aren't the best of friends. i added my cousin on facebook and on skype, and we occasionally chat. i couldn't find my second cousins or else i would have done that too--since they're probably who i really consider cousins most of all.

phase six: the bachelor/bachelorette. my aunt cami LOVES the bachelor/bachelorette.  its the only tv she will watch.  i always thought it was dumb...until my roommate wanted to "have" a tv show and she chose that one.  its easily addicting. but the best part is: it gives me a reason to call & talk with my aunt every monday night/whenever we get the chance to see it. i love our chats--we are, in many ways, in the same situation-except she actually has a boyfriend now!  i love talking with her about boys & life!  someday we will travel the world together. (wherever she hasn't already been!)

phase seven: calling daddy. i've been making a concerted effort to call my father--its a lot different than calling my mom (which i do almost daily), and if we get on the topic of school its generally not a fun conversation. but i love him nonetheless.

phase eight, still in progress: bryce.  we were close when i was home, because we were the only two siblings left in the house, but now that i'm gone we don't really speak.  and by close i mean when he bugged me i would hit him, and tell him to go away, etc-basic older sibling-itis. but we would have fun too.  usually when i was driving him somewhere, or something like that. it was nice.  for now, its only usually sunday phone calls.

aaand that accounts for my entire family.
all in all, i love my family.  and i love that i will be with them for eternity.

Fatal Frame

so one night after rehearsal, scott asks me if i'd like to go with him & some friends to play a game.  i thought: board, card, etc.  i said yes.   i was a bit confused when they pulled out the ps2, but i'm still up for it. no big deal.

at this point the lights are still on, people are still chatting, so its still no big deal when they pop in a game called "Fatal Frame."  (i only knew the name from googling it--otherwise i would have been scared by an anonymous video game.)  it doesn't look too bad, whatever, anime figures walking around a haunted mansion, still no big deal.  until the lights go out.  until the first "ghost" appears and starts attacking you.

at this point i may have been screaming, repeatedly, alternately "WHAT IS THAT!?" and "I DON'T UNDERSTAND!"  with perhaps a few "WHY!?"s thrown in.    i mean really, these things aren't pretty.

the worst is that the ghosts don't come very often.  there's almost 10 minutes sometimes of lull wherein you can be given false hope that the ghosts are gone. but i learned after the third crawling-out-from-under-the-porch-ghost to a) don't ever relax b) always be ready to shove the blanket in your mouth to scream and c) never let the blood flow back into scott's arm.  

i was the life of the party, let me tell you. 

by the end, scott had decided he did want feeling in his fingers and just held me and covered my eyes when a ghost came to prevent me from hyperventilating. this tactic proved useful, seeing as i didn't have my inhaler with me. 

why this entertains people is beyond me. 

but, have no fear, my lesson has been learned: keep inhaler handy at all times. 

Who'da thunk?

"Your snort is like an accent. Cute!" --Grant, at the ward ice cream social. (be impressed--i went!)

apparently i have an accent. when i laugh. and then, unattractively, snort.
i've never quite figured the draw, but hey--i'll take what i can get.

spring term.

good news!  its warming up!  (if it snows again, my wrath will be unleashed upon the universe.)

more good news! i'm doing mentored research in the lab with the woman veterinarian who will be working hardest to get me into vet school.  i'm pulverizing cow manure. yeah, just what i said.

extra good news!!  my niece says my name.  she points at the computer and cries for "BECCA!" when she wants to video chat with me.  i couldn't love her more.


bad news:  i miss people.  i miss my family. i miss anna.  i miss karina, lauren, maren. i miss jeff. i miss amber.  strangely enough i miss brandon.  i want to get out of provo.  i want to go to washington, and california, and idaho.  be that as it may, looks as if i'm stuck here for quite awhile.  weekend trips in the making?  i do believe so.

more bad news: i really miss my puppies.

BUT i have plenty to do here, with my frogs, ochem, and cow manure.  plus, i suppose, dating and social life...which mostly consists of me watching movies with my roommates.

Osama Bin Laden

is dead.

i'm not sure how i feel about it.  i mean, its good news certainly.  but the fact that the death of a person is ever good news is grating to me.  facebook would have you believe that America is the best country in the world because we've killed someone. the leader of a worldwide terrorist organization definitely deserves what he got, but the reaction of the masses is all wrong.  its not wrong to be cheerful at the prospect of an end to the war, but to be so happy that a person has been killed-and dwelling on that one fact alone-is. i fear that in writing this i will be seen as the worst form of non-patriotic trash there is, but someone has to say it.  if this means the end of the war then by all means, lets celebrate.  lets bring our troops home.  but if this is just another number in the ever growing tally of deaths caused by this war, there's really no reason to cheer. Obama's speech last night was good, but i'd like to hear more about bringing our soldiers home.

what i hate about long standing wars/world disasters is how easily they fade to the background of daily life.  i freely admit my guilt. i think about what i have been doing these past ten years and am almost ashamed that more of my time was not spent thinking about what was going on in the world, or how i could help.  our military doesn't get the credit they deserve daily, because we forget about them, being more concerned about us ,in our own little worlds.  growing up (since when 9/11 happened i was in 5th grade) i can remember times when the war on terrorism was mentioned that i was thinking, "Is that war in what's that place really still going on?"  i was a kid then, but now i'm an adult (so-to-speak), and had i not made friends in the military i would still be rather ignorant. 

so here's my question:  how can a poor college student, female, dependent on her parents, trying to get good grades, doing research on the side, trying to magnify her calling, improving her spiritual self, & trying to be social, help with a war or natural disaster? 

the awkward sidewalk passerby smile

walking back and forth to school has taught me that its awkward to make eye contact with strangers on the sidewalk.  and you dont want to look like the mean girl (as my mother would say) and i have been told i'm intimidating as it is, so i dont really need another reason to be so.

there are a few options when you see you are coming upon somebody you don't know.
option a: look down at the ground quickly, and only back up when you've passed said stranger.
option b: make eye contact but look away and down, pretending you didn't.
option c: make eye contact, smile the tight lipped no teeth doesn't reach your eyes "you're a stranger but i'm smiling even though i'm not actually happy to see you" smile.
option d: make eye contact, smile a real smile, then glance away or down and perhaps an awkward giggle.
option e: make eye contact, smile a real smile, and greet them.

i often end up going with option c.

but when there is someone who actually takes the initiative and does option e, its really something.  i can still remember the times when someone has genuinely greeted me on the sidewalk even though they don't have a clue who i am.  its those people who are really impressive.

but its so much easier to do option c. easiest would be a, but i can manage c every once in awhile.

oh dear. i really am the mean girl aren't i?

I. WENT. SKYDIVING.  

i was waiting to post this until i had put up my video to youtube so i could show you, but i'm too dumb for that.  i do have a pretty cool video though...just saying.

but lets start from the beginning. we signed our lives away...literally. if something happened we couldn't even sue for 21 years after our death! then we picked the music for our videos, met our dive instructors, geared up (my instructor (JC) was tightening something in back of me, and says to the other "Hey, did they fix this?" The other says, "Oh yeah, looks like they used duct tape to tape it up. That'll be fine."  then walks away....), and got on the plane.  the plane.  there were no seats but the pilot's, we sat on the floor in the laps of our instructors, (only the four of us, my aunt, me, and the instructors fit) and we took off with the door open.  and we probably went at least 1000 ft with it open. and then when it was closed there might as well have not been a door, since it was a plastic sheet thingy..all it did was shield us from the wind.  i was closest to the door. i literally had a birds eye view of everything going on around me--it was amazing!  as we gained altitude it got colder and colder, and by the height of 11,000 feet i was shivering-which was mistaken for nerves-but it was soo cold.  and then he says to put on my goggles and sit up in his lap, he hooks me in, then slides open the door, and says to swing my legs over the side.  sure, easy enough. until he slides me out off the edge, but we don't fall,  because you see---HE is still sitting on the edge, while i'm hooked to him and not moving but just dangling off the plane with nothing to hold onto. then he asks if i'm ready--what if i'm not?--but i am, and we fall.  i think my dad did the math, and if i remember correctly, i believe he said we were traveling at 160 mph during the free fall.  which was 40 seconds.  i guess i was screaming (not in fear, as my dad likes to insinuate) but i was having so much fun.  my poor instructor. my father says he could hear me from the ground.  also, i'm pretty sure i was senseless as to most of what was going on around me, since he said he would tap me on the arm when i was supposed to open my arms, but after tapping me twice he just ripped them off the harness himself. then the parachute opens, and well that kinda hurts around the crotch area when you are stopped midair by the harness that is around both your thighs. the chest strap also was choking me on the way down, but no biggie. it didn't really matter--it was just incredible.  he let me drive the parachute too, and that was awesome. i drove it through a cloud. then landing was fun--i just kinda slid while my instructor kind of tripped over me..not sure what i was really supposed to do but that was good enough. i was on the ground anyway.

long story short..IT WAS AWESOME!

i guess life is funny sometimes.

last summer i started digitizing my parent's home videos, since they're on VHS and, well, of course thats out of style.  right now i'm watching my sister singing in a high school choir concert...i have to say, it sounds rather awful.  she looks very pretty though. (hopefully that will appease her for saying that it sounds bad.)  even though her t-shirt is tucked into her jeans. but its the end of the year 2000--i might give her a break for that one.  soon this tape will turn into our cancun trip, and thats what i want to see at the moment.  oh now she has a solo--which of course doesn't sound bad, since we have such a similar voice they wouldn't let us audition together for music man. whats funny is that the last tape (or was it two tapes ago?) i watched her duck dance when she was probably 5 or 6 and she wiggled her butt at the camera quite a bit.  always performing. :)

whats surreal is watching people who are dead now. my aunt leson died of breast cancer not too long ago.  technically she's not my aunt, she's my cousin once removed. (my dad's cousin.) but when i was little we spent a lot of time with her and uncle ken and their kids, alyse, james, austin, and emma.  but then we didn't.  being young i didn't really understand.  i still don't really understand.  they got divorced, moved away, she left the church, and we didn't see them for a long time.  then aunt leson was diagnosed with cancer.  i saw her once when she stayed with my grandparents. then she died, and the funeral was held in colorado.  i had school; in my family, that means i didn't go.  my dad went. they were close.  already tonight he's mentioned twice how strange it is to see her so full of life as she was back when the videos were taken. he says its hard to reconcile with the image of her at her funeral.

i guess life is funny sometimes.  

the best way to see the time change is in the dogs.  when jenna was little (25 [or so] years ago) we got barkley.  the only way i remember him is in his old age when he could hardly stand up on his own, but today i saw him as a young dog running around while jenna rode her bicycle with training wheels (and crashed) and little eric had flaming red hair and a new scar next to his eye.  i'm looking at my old old black lab ephraim right now--he's got gray hairs under his chin and between the pads of his feet and his breath smells like old man, but today i saw him as 10-11 week old puppy on my 8th birthday in 1999. 

it seems to me getting old, grown up, & responsible is too much of a hassle. where did i sign up for this again?

ps. why do choirs always sing pieces that are too high for the sopranos in them?

something hit me in the head while i was

walking home from my last class of the winter 2011 semester.


some fly thing must have been the culprit.

but the point i wanted to get across was that the semester is OVER!
almost.

spring beauty

i don't think i noticed this last time around, but spring is beautiful!  i'm not sure i can say that its worth the snow, but it is definitely a nice treat after being so harshly dealt with during the winter.
yesterday i stepped out of the wibby after handling my froggies, and there had just been a nice little rainfall, so it smelled wonderfully of wet asphalt--the clouds were only a bit in front of the sun and you could see the silver lining in all of them. there was a slight breeze, the kind that tugs at you playfully, and the temperature was probably 65 degrees, perfect.  as i was walking home i noticed the green sprouting everywhere, little buds on all the trees that have been barren for so long, the mountain is turning greener, and the daffodils along the path home are annoyingly beautiful.  i wanted to skip and sing-in fact i did do just that.


so how does it seem fair that finals is next week?

throwback

can we just for a sec mention how cute i was as a child? and how much my niece looks like me?

(i'm in the middle, holding the cat...Jenna just saw the camera and had to come running.)

This is my Lilster....do we not look alike??

oh we totally do. 

Eric loved me enough to hug me when we were little! 

Jenna, posing...me, falling...eric.........

In Aunt Cami's tea party clothes i wouldn't put on for her..

wrestling with helsa...usually it was my hair or hair tie in her mouth i was wrestling away from her

itsy bitsy spider in rain boots!

Morgen!  basically my whole childhood.

a wonderful week

me: yeah, here pick whatever song you want for your ringtone.

sean kingston, beautiful girls: "you're way to beauuutiful giiirl, that's why it'll never work, you'll have me suicidal, suicidal, when you say its overrr."

maren:  i don't want to make you suicidal!

me: when you say its over!?!

maren: oh no, it will never be over. 

truer words were never heard. 

my feelings will not be repressed. you must allow me to tell you how ardently i admire and love you.

sidewalk chalk brainwash

so in provo, they write on the sidewalks. as advertisement. i don't know if they do it in other places too, but its all the time here.  right now the sidewalk is dominated for at least half of my walk to school by an advertisement for women's chorus.

at first i am super annoyed that they're there.  i HAVE to read them, i HAVE to know what they say--its rather impossible not to.  and its not like i really want to go to the women's chorus, i'm not a fan of just women singing to music, especially choral-type music. you know, with the organ and the high voices--after awhile its like cats in a blender. (i stole that from my mom, who used it to describe over-frequent phantom of the opera viewings). in any case--i don't want to go, and i'm sure of it.  but as i'm walking to school over this sidewalk chalk everyday, possibly more than four times, it starts to grow on me.

this morning i found myself thinking, "you know, maybe i should be heading to the ticket office like its telling me to.   i should be going to this concert. its on april fool's day, but its not a joke. are you ready for this? i'm ready for this. i should be going to women's chorus 50th concert.  i'm sure they're doing something special. i'm sure they're doing something great. i should head to the ticket office?"

until i realized they were brainwashing me. with sidewalk chalk.  who knew what powerful stuff it was?

lost

lauren, lovely lauren came down to utah for, well, less than 24 hours.  it was blissful.  saturday i went to pick her up in salt lake while her boyfriend or something went and saw a concert or whatever. but i had my lauren.

then we went to the follet's house--her grandparents, the former owners of the house my parents now reside in.  who live in cedar hills. it was simple getting there. but then i was invited to stay the night with her & them, and accepted. but i had to go drop some stuff off in provo and pick up some sleepy stuff. so, lauren and i drove from cedar hills to provo. simple. took about 30 minutes, because we went the long way, but it got us there. 

coming back, we had looked up a map and needed to get off at exit 276. quite awhile before that, fabulous, wonderful I-15 construction diverted us off of the freeway entirely, and we had to follow signs for this detour.  we got back on the freeway, and, of course, the next exit was 278. we decided to take it anyway. and then proceeded to get hopelessly lost, ending up in a school parking lot (without turning into one) with the mascot of the caveman (something to aspire to, people), and laughing hysterically. it was perfect, just like old times, except that we were still lost. and it was dark. and raining. 

somehow, we found our way to the Mt. Timpanogos temple.  that was good--we were close.  and we knew as long as we kept the temple in our sights, we would find our way.   that was one thing we were sure of.  an innate sense, if you will.  the deeper meaning wasn't lost on me at the time, but i didn't have much time for reflection through the laughing and yelling and general confusion.  but isn't that something?

i love my major.

Katie and I excited for bear denning!!

We went a little too far...into Colorado

Katie with a bear collar on

Riding in the back of the pickup, since the van couldn't make the muddy/bumpy roads

Yeah, thats me with a black bear cub. ~3 mos.

A mama black bear, tranquilized.

Day old kid (Nubien)

Goats are just like big dogs. Always wanting attention.

Horizontal rectangular pupils

I drew blood too! (this isn't me) 

Cool, right? 200 goats later...still cool.  

Gotta love goats.

Ladies and Gents

Its for certain!  I'm going live at DisneyWorld for four months!!

i got my invitation, and i accepted said invitation. 

i will be working attractions, from august to the beginning of january.  i won't get to come home for christmas (downside) but i won't have to be in provo! 

its a pretty awesome program. if you want to learn more, you can go to WDW College Program Website For Family  and find out for yourself.  

soooo, who wants to go to DisneyWorld between August and January??

L.O.V.E--an ode to Port-a-Potties

L is for the way you lure me in 

O is for the odor you emit

V is very very...involuntary 

E is eating well then having to endure the smell

and LOVE is more than i can give to you

Love has got nothing to do with poo

Too much poo is stankin'

There's no way that we can make it. 

Love is not for me and you

This song needed to be immortalized.  I love you Maren. 

(although i think the 2nd and 3rd to last lines are probably wrong)

Orange County Redneck

i'm turning redneck.

the redneck from socal. perhaps first because of this...

and the maniacal laughter that accompanied every shot.

and then there's this:

Driving my Professor's Tractor

Alpaca

Lamb

yeah. i think i might be a bit of a redneck. 

this trip was amazing though.  we boiled snow for water since we didn't have any in the Seven Brides for Seven Brothers-esque cabins.

Boiling Snow (i look so cute!)

The final result

i shared a twin bed with this girl. <3 Mikyn.

our lovely seven brides cabins. what you see is what we got.

the cabins were heated with good old fashion wood stoves.  it was a lovely trip.  the wildlife and range club is good to me.

Frogs

everybody thinks i'm crazy.  which, i can't deny, is true.

but i work with frogs (xenopus laevis).  they're cute.  and i know them by name. their names are 22, 23, 24, 26, and 27. they have personalities.  24 is probably my favorite. she's a splasher.  22, 23, and 24 are all much bigger than 26 & 27 for some reason.  they all have different patterns of dark/light spots, but they're all very pretty.  their common name is african clawed frogs, and they really do have claws on their back feet. sort of.

every S, M, T, W i take care of these frogs.  tuesdays are feeding days--usually its so cute, the frogs will use their front limbs to take the food right out of my hand.  they sweep their arms forward and grab the food, then shove it in their mouths.   cute right?  right. on thursdays we do surgeries, rotating frogs every week.  we extract the oocytes.  and those are used for experiments designed to find a cure for the flu and alzheimers. so its pretty great. each frog undergoes only 6 surgeries before they are humanely euthanized.  two weeks ago we lost our first since i've been there-- RIP 21. <3

Peaches

i don't know if anyone quite realizes how difficult it is to drive a stick shift after riding a horse.

its hard.

for half an hour, every saturday at 9:30am, peaches makes me work up a sweat. but i'm finally getting the hang of it-- i think.

she's also a scaredy cat.  there was a patch of sunshine coming in through one of the windows, and when we got to it, she saw it and jumped back, then pranced around it. she's also afraid of the two doors, and makes sure to give them a wide berth..in case they open and somebody scary comes out.

but she's also very responsive. every move of the reins, cluck, nudge, she listens. whether she does what i want or not depends on whether she thinks i'm in charge or not (which i am) so she actually does listen pretty well. of course i can't take credit for it--she's been trained by some of the best in the barn. but it really takes a special horse to do it right.  i'm more and more comfortable with her everytime i go. we're starting to really work well together.  i remember to keep my heels down and out, keep my hands on the pad, back straight, elbows in--while making sure she is going where she's supposed to, and how fast she's supposed to.  its really not easy.

and when i dismount, i think of all the cowboys i've ever seen in movies or whatnot--and i totally understand why they walk like that.  my legs feel like they must perpetually be shaped like there is a horse between them. my thighs feel like limp noodles, and my feet are turned in. i'm not sure i can push the clutch in enough to get the car started, let alone drive home. but somehow i manage. and now i'm at home, sitting on the couch, and when i try to stand up it will be painful. but usually i forget and stand up fast and thats even worse, but my roommates at least get a kick out of it.

yup.

i'm actually posting a blog. be amazed!

its probably been about a month or so. but here's what i have to show for that month.

-Christmas. Christmas was wonderful. i love my wonderful family. really, i do. aunt cami and eric and i will be going skydiving together this summer as a result.  we went as a family to see Peter Pan in the 360 theater...and it was INCREDIBLE. (that was a direct result of me saying we should DO something together for Christmas instead of just give gifts and leave.) it really was fantastic. i became surrogate momma to lily because jenna wanted a break...and i pretty much loved it. she gives me kisses and plays games and dares you to tell her not to do something just so she can do it. every mother's DREAM. :)  i went to disneyland, with my favoritest neighbors in the world, and we had a grand old time.. everybody loves disneyland.  i screamed at everything possible, which made the experience just that much better.  i really do love my neighbors. <3
-Provo. for the first time in my life i didn't cry or puke on my way back to provo, UT. it was a surreal experience. perhaps, after two years, i am growing to accept my fate in life? i don't dare hope that i might actually be liking it.
-Social.  still not much to report in that venue. but, i am determined to make some friends. i suppose. if i have to.
-Work. still working at the horse place. i love it--horses are so majestic, yet fragile, and some of them even miss you when you're gone. Miss Priss, (who is the least prissy horse i've ever seen--and i know, having cleaned her stall for about a month now.) is adorable. and when i leave her stall in the morning she whinnies for me to come back. i love her. and she loves her ears rubbed. and i'm happy to oblige. i'm also "working" in a lab, as frog husbandry.  we have six xenopus laevis frogs in our care (mine and another girl's) and every thursday we assist in a surgery with them.  hopefully, soon i can become a surgeon as well. i don't get paid for this either, i get credit hours.
-School. i'm actually loving it. i love my classes and they are all very interesting, and hopefully i can stay on top of things throughout the end of the semester. i'm taking: animal husbandry, environmental law and policies, principles of range management, organic chemistry, family history, and animal restraint. all of which are AMAZING. yes. even ochem. well, in the second week of school they are amazing. i reserve the right to change my mind later. but animal restraint is awesome already--we are conducting a study on finches, and their eating habits. its going to be lovely.  my finch is named j. pierpont. and she's a girl. which i wasn't planning for when i picked the name, but j could stand for julia or jennifer or jessica or jenna or something.

but yeah. thats my slightly boring on paper but not in real life life.  i'm busier than i've ever been in my life, sleep has become a wonderful fantasy, and ice cream is my best friend.

it happened.

see the anklet i have on in this picture?

it came off. i've been wearing it since the beginning of summer. and yesterday, it came off.  well i sort of pulled it, and it broke. i didn't happen to remember, in the heat of the moment this morning at 5:00, that when this anklet falls of, something is supposed to happen.

i bought this anklet at the aquarium of the pacific. that teal color is my favorite color. along with most shades of it. but that was my favorite. and dolphins? who could hate dolphins? so i got it. different colors mean different things. white was happiness, green was peace..etc.

so the thing is, when the anklet falls off you're supposed to get what the color means...does that make sense? if your anklet beads were white, per se, then you would get happiness when the anklet came off.  well, my teal color?  apparently, thats the color of...romance.